A heart attack was definitely not on my list of things to do before 50. But now that it’s happened, it’s had a ripple effect on some of my actual aspirations. The endurance races I’d planned were certainly off the table. The first one was just 10 weeks away, and there was no way I’d make it to the start line. That meant my “triathlon before 50” goal was out, and so was the half Ironman later in the season—the doctors warned it would put too much strain on my heart.
I was gutted, and honestly, I still am. I’d invested in a new bike, paid race entry fees (which aren’t cheap and are rarely refundable), and put in countless hours and effort planning and training, I had big dreams. Sitting in my hospital chair I had no idea what exercise was going to look like for me going forward but I knew it was going to look different.
I was told no lifting, no high intensity intervals, no endurance work, what was left of the things I love? I was told I couldn’t teach if it meant bouncing around at the front of a class or doing exercise demonstrations, I was confused and feeling a bit hopeless. Thankfully, before I left hospital a cardiologist with a special interest in SCAD’s came to see me and told me about the cardiac rehabilitation program “HeartWorks” which helps you “recover with confidence.” Signing up was a no brainer, I actually sent the enquiry on the way home! Even though I’m a personal trainer and I have all the equipment at home, I wanted their expertise and guidance, I wanted to exercise safely and with confidence, to know what was good for me and to know what was deemed too much. My call with Sam at HeartWorks the following day was awesome, she gave me great advice on what I should and shouldn’t be doing, even before I actually started seeing them. Short walks were ok but I had to stay on the flat and keep my heart rate below 100, I had no idea how hard that would be! In those first 2 weeks I was actually scared to go for a walk - would it happen again? After all, nothing had been fixed, I had a tear in my left coronary artery that I was told would heal itself? But how long would that take and how would I know when it was healed? Could I make it worse by exercising?
I like a challenge, but this new challenge was not one I would choose. Essentially, I was to treat myself like a newbie starting exercise. So, two weeks after leaving hospital, I began my return to exercise. That first session was scary, I swear my heart rate climbed just walking in the door and then again at the sight of dumbbells! Was it excitement? Anxiety? I was given a maximum heart rate of 130 to work with and over the course of the following weeks this has gradually increased, the hardest part has been finding the right balance. I can feel great during and after a class, but if I push too hard (often unintentionally) it can leave me floored for days.
6 weeks post ‘event’ I felt good enough to try a short run, I was fully prepared to walk run, I knew I wouldn’t be covering much distance and was ok with that, I was watching my heart rate constantly, ensuring I was staying below my maximum. The run was slow BUT I hadn’t needed to walk, I ran for 15 minutes and was so happy! I felt a bit like me again. I balanced the rest of the day well with rest and easy movement, I slept well that night, but the next 3 days I was floored! Had I done too much too soon? And which element of the previous few days had been the “too much”?
The fatigue has been intense and, honestly, pretty confusing. Some days, my wearables show I’m well recovered and ready to go, yet my body insists it needs rest. I’ve cut back on work, canceled clients and classes, and I’m usually in bed by 8:30 each night, hoping the extra rest will help. But the fatigue lingers, and my wearables keep indicating stress. I’m told this is normal and will get better with time.
So once again, the goal posts shift: more relaxation, more meditation, less work, and more “me” time. But figuring out what to do with that time has its own challenges. Too much movement—bad. Too much sitting around—also bad. Trying to find the middle ground? That’s been the hardest part of all.
Nine weeks on, and I feel like I’m progressing, it’s slow, but it’s happening. Earlier this week, I managed a 30-minute run. It was very slow, but I was moving, and it felt incredible. Especially as I ran with my husband, something we have always enjoyed doing together, and as we ran, we talked about everything I’ve gone through and the ways I’ve had to adapt. Patience has never been my strength, so this journey has been challenging—learning to be patient with myself and the process. I’ve had my fair share of “why me’ moments, but then I remember the alternative…This could have ended very differently. I’m still here and 9 weeks on am finding some positives, I had my first run with my husband, my first 30 minute run, soon I’ll get to run my first 5k. I’ll get to start lifting again and will have so many firsts as I rebuild my strength.
Life takes unexpected turns (shit happens). Circumstances shift (shifts happen), and with them, our goals evolve into something new. This shift has, in some ways, redefined my life, my goals, and my sense of resilience. I didn’t expect to face such a change, but I’m learning to find joy in small victories and patience in the slow rebuild. The races I dreamed of may not look the same, but I’ll discover new ways to challenge myself, to move forward, and to celebrate each “first” that comes my way. Adapting is hard, but so is giving up—and I’m not about to do that. This isn’t the path I planned, but it’s the one I’m on, and I’m determined to make the most of it.
Health + Happiness
Jen
Comments